Self-interest? What self-interest?

We've got an organization here in Canada that other nations would die for. These good folks are an endless source of amusement and fun. They make us laugh. They make us cry. And this time, they've got us rolling in the aisles in helpless glee.

Omigod, send in the clowns!

Spiffily named "The Canadian Council of Chief Executives" (shouldn't they have gone for something more descriptive, like Really Pompous Rich Guys?), this group unfailingly advances the most bizarre and astounding ideas. They're like the Blue Men of Business.

Get this!

The Chiefs' latest too-public project is castigating the governing party for "trying to cling to power" by carrying through on some promises it made during the last election campaign. You have to remember this is a minority government that remains in office by forming alliances with other parties. When the Conservatives pulled their support for the government's proposed budget last spring, the ruling Liberals, of necessity, went hunting for new friends and found them in the ranks of the soft-socialist New Democratic Party. They made a deal, which is how things work in a minority parliament. It just happens that the deal echoes the things they promised in the last election. So they're really making a deal to do some of the things they promised to do.

Big deal, eh?

Well, the Chiefs don't like it. In fact, they're in a holy snit. They can't understand why the revamped Liberal budget doesn't reflect their Conservative values. Apparently they've never heard of no tickee, no washee. But the Chiefs like Conservatives. They want Conservative policies. They like rigid fiscal responsibility that includes tax cuts for their 150 stinkingly rich members and diddlysquat for the rest of us. That is the One Best Way for this country, isn't it? Why aren't we doing what they want? It's not right! It's not fair!

Don't get them wrong. They are men of the world. They know you've got to SAY things so people will vote for you and make you the government. But doesn't mean you should actually DO those things. You should do what the Chiefs want, because they are very rich and very powerful, and they know best.

Like this.

The Chiefs know that the very best thing for this second-rate country is something called Deep Integration with the U.S. economy. It is the very best thing. A continental economy is just the ticket for us. Never mind that the Americans don't want it, aren't pursuing it and wouldn't honour it if we got it. We'll just go ahead and do it anyway, shall we? Look how well it worked in softwood lumber. Oops. Well, what about our beautiful continental economy in beef? Oh, oops again. Wheat? Potatoes? The film industry? Wanna go for another? Wanna see how the Americans react to a downturn in their auto industry? Think they'll go after the Koreans and Japanese, who will actually bite back if attacked? Think again. These are people who have never seen an Evil Empire they couldn't back away from. But they've done a hell of a lot of damage to sleepy backwaters like Vietnam, Grenada, Afghanistan and Iraq. Fair fight? Level playing field? Surely you jest!

Canada - the sleepy backwater of North America. Be warned, folks. The Hollywood North retaliation is just a warm-up. Softwood lumber, a flexing of the muscles. The beef ban, a mere exercise to get the blood flowing. GM is making deep cuts to its States-side workforces and we just won a shiny new Toyota plant. The bombs are in the bays, boys, and the jet engines are gunning! Wait for it!

Deep Integration. Ha-ha! Deep Doo-doo is more like it.

Anyhow, these Chiefs are pretty funny guys. In the world of gratuitous, self-serving advice, they kinda take the cake.

These clowns are pretty free with their advice to Canadians, but here's what I'd like to see from them. I would like to see them do something tangible for this country for a change. I want big-time philanthropy. I want funding for inner city kids, museums, art galleries, bright scientists, research labs and gardens, and a payback for all those hard-scrabble northern and rural towns that gave rise to the fortunes that sustain so many of these "leading" corporations.

I would like NOT to be suspicious of the Chiefs' motives. I'd like to have some confidence that they are NOT pushing schemes devised to fill their own pockets or win promotions to Atlanta. I would like them to halt the University of Chicago syncophanteries and put a lid on the sucking up to Washington and New York. In short, I would like them to stop advancing the interests of foreign nationals, gussied up as the considered advice of "concerned" Canadians.

Stop making me laugh, guys. There's a word for you and your half-baked schemes. We will not speak it here.

We don't have to.